We have a baby and its heart is beating.
|(The baby is between the plus signs...you can't see its heart beating but trust me, it is)|
I float on cloud 9 from the office and stop at the store on the way home to do some grocery shopping. I want to show the other shoppers and the cashier my tiny jelly bean photo but I somehow manage to restrain myself. I drive home thinking how silly I have been to be so worried about this pregnancy since a single previous miscarriage DOES NOT mean that you will miscarry every baby you ever conceive....and disaster strikes. While walking through the door, I feel a warm gush and head to the bathroom to confirm my fear.
I am bleeding.
Bright red, brand new blood, has pooled in my undergarments and trickled down my leg. All my previous calm and happiness vanishes and I assume that now this pregnancy is EXACTLY like that last one. I call my mom, and I start to cry, and cry, and cry, and cry. They are not kidding when they say pregnant women are emotional. Even after the first 30 minutes of crying when I start mentally pulling it together and telling myself that the bleeding could just be due to cervical irritation after the ultrasound, I cannot turn off the water works. Adam (the most awesome brother in the world) texts me links of other people with the same experience due to ultrasound and still I cry. I am a nurse. I know this can be NORMAL but because I lost my first baby, and because it took over a year and a half, a complete medical team, and a brand new cars worth of money to finally get pregnant again, I can only see the failure and the inadequacy of my body to do what it needs to do to make a healthy baby.
Talk about an emotional roller coaster. I have a feeling this is not the last of my worries for this pregnancy and I know that I will not begin to feel truly comfortable until we get to at least 10-12 weeks and put the time frame of the last miscarriage and this first risky trimester behind us, but, for now, I have found the emotional even ground and I will continue to hope and pray with every ounce of strength in my soul that this baby will grow to be the wonderfully healthy, beautiful child that I know Eric and I are meant to have.